"Why battered women don't leave?"

While discussing the relationship between abusive men and their partners, one man in our group said: "I don't get it, I think  women like to be bitten, otherwise they would leave- this is a free country and they can go... so if they stay and they know their man hits them, then they deserve it."  He is not alone in this thinking, most people who do not understand the deeper issues of domestic violence and the power and control would think the same way. It is distorted thinking and it puts the blame on the victim "again" for "not leaving."  It gives the victim all responsibility for the problem and solution to the problem. The truth is that if women don't leave it is not because the don't want, it is because they CAN'T.  There are many factor that affect and influence the woman's decision to leave:

1.Can't Afford to Leave: Most women do not have enough economic resources to support themselves and if they have children, them too. Although domestic violence happens in every social strata, most women still earn less than men and cannot afford to financially support themselves.  There are many that do not have access to money at all - their abuser controls every cent she spends and he requests receipts for all items bought. It is a desperate situation.

2.It is not only unsafe - It is Dangerous : Most women have attempted to leave several times before they  actually do. They can tell you that the assault they get from their abusers if just too much to handle.  Many women die in the hands of their abusers while attempting to leave.

3.Batterers controlled her actions: Abusers have controlled every aspect of the victims' life.  The victim usually have no friends and have, if any, very limited contact with their family.  Victims are socially isolated and have been emotionally and psychologically manipulated by their abusers to the point that they believes their abusers will always find them and kill them.  Some women reported that they thought their abusers could actually read their minds.  Abusers tend to play mind games and inflict so much fear into their victims that it can be emotionally  paralyzing.

4. Afraid to lose her children - Batterers tend to use children as a way to control their partners.  Many men have threatened to take their kids and that she will never see them gain.  Victims are also afraid that social services will take her kids away if she is not able to support them.  Other cases men have threatened to kill them all if she leaves. She believes him. It has happened.


5. Has nowhere to go - Do to isolation, a victims has no place to go.  In some cases friends and family (due to lack of understanding) are "sick and tired" of her going back to the abuser, that they no longer are willing to help.  Victims shelters are very limited and will only take children under a certain age and sex.


And then there is the Cycle of Violence. The  abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make the victim believe that she is the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves her. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

It is really important to always be supportive of battered women, even if they go back to their abusers as her reasons may be valid to them.  Hopefully one day she'll be able to leave that situation for good and regain her life.

Losing Control ??? It is NOT the case with batterers

On our BIP (batterer's intervention program) group last night we discussed  that sometimes a  man can not control his anger, and then he just "snaps" and "loses control."  Some of the men said that stress is sometimes too much to handle and that it just causes them to "lose it." I asked the group to think of the following, very real, scenario: being at work. I asked them: "How many of you have "stressful" jobs? how many times your boss "pushes" your buttons? How many of you "snap" at your boss for saying or doing something you didn't like? How many of you hit, push, slap, kick and say mean and hurtful things to your boss?  None!  Because you know it is unacceptable and you will have serious consequences.  So when  men say that they "lose control" (at home) that is quite the opposite - they have all the control and they know when, how and at whom they can strike at.  None of the 15 men in the group could argue with that. Total silence for 10 seconds.  Domestic violence is a "controlled behavior"-a physical, mental, psychological act- on purpose. In group, men are learning how to treat their partners as equals and with respect.  We are exploring socialization factors that influence their gender roles and how they have learned to behave this way.