What to Say and What to Do If You Suspect Domestic Violence

Sometimes reaching out to someone you suspect of being a victim of domestic violence is as simple as leaving a phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-SAFE (799-7233). If the threat appears imminent, call 911. If your suspicions are less clear, here are some things you can say to the victim:

• “I’m worried about you. Is everything OK?”

• “I care about you. Here’s a phone number (1-800-799-SAFE) or a Web site ... “The site at www.ndvh.org provides state-by-state resources.

• “I’m concerned for your safety. This isn’t OK, and it’s not your fault. When you’re ready to leave, here’s a phone number of people who can help you.”

• Don’t have an agenda that includes having the person leave the abuser, and don’t say things such as, “I don’t see how you can stay with that guy.” Understand that leaving is a process. Whatever words you use, communicate that you care, that abuse – whether verbal, emotional or physical – is wrong, that the victim is not to blame and that there are resources that can help.

• Ask the victim what he or she needs. Ask what would be of help. Break the Silence About Violence; Friends, Co-Workers Can Help Domestic-Abuse Victims

• Helping doesn’t mean you have to fix the situation. Professional resources are available to help. It’s enough to let the victim know she’s not alone and that there are resources for various needs: shelter, legal advice, financial assistance, employment and educational services, and counseling for her and her children.

Domestic Violence: Did You know

Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

85% of domestic violence victims are women.

Violence Begins at Home; Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

• Witnessing violence between one’s parents or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.
• Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults.
• 30% to 60% of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse children in the household.

Costs of Domestic Violence

• The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services.
• Victims of intimate partner violence lost almost 8 million days of paid work because of the violence perpetrated against them by current or former husbands, boyfriends and dates. This loss is the equivalent of more than 32,000 full-time jobs and almost 5.6 million days of household productivity as a result of violence.
• There are 16,800 homicides and $2.2 million (medically treated) injuries due to intimate partner violence annually, which costs $37 billion.

Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault and Stalking

• One in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape.
• Nearly 7.8 million women have been raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lives.
• Sexual assault or forced sex occurs in approximately 40-45% of battering relationships.
• 1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men have been stalked in their lifetime.
• 81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner; 31% are also sexually assaulted by that partner.

*All statistics from National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, www.ncadv.org

Characteristics of Abusive Men

Control         Control is the "overarching behavioral characteristic" of abusive men, achieved with criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty, etc. (see Power & Control Wheel). The need to control may deepen over time or escalate if a woman seeks independence (e.g. going to school).

Entitlement       Entitlement is the "overarching attitudinal characteristic" of abusive men, a belief in having special rights without responsibilities, justifying unreasonable expectations (e.g., family life must centre on his needs). He will feel the wronged party when his needs are not met and may justify violence as self-defence.

Selfishness & Self-centredness      An expectation of being the centre of attention, having his needs anticipated. May not support or listen to others.

Superiority      Contempt for woman as stupid, unworthy, a sex object or as a house keeper.

Possessiveness      Seeing a woman and his children as property.

Confusing Love & Abuse    Explaining violence as an expression of his deep love.

Manipulativeness    A tactic of confusion, distortion and lies. May project image of himself as good, and portray the woman as crazy or abusive.

Contradictory Statements & Behaviors    Saying one thing and doing another, such as being publicly critical of men who abuse women.

Externalization of Responsibility     Shifting blame for his actions and their effects to others, especially the woman, or to external factors such as job stress.

Denial, Minimization, & Victim Blaming    Refusing to acknowledge abusive behavior (e.g. she fell), not acknowledging the seriousness of his behavior and its effects (e.g., it's just a scratch), blaming the victim (e.g., she drove me to it; she made it up because I have a new girlfriend).

  

Serial Battering      Some men are abusive in relationship after relationship.

Men can exhibit some or all of these characteristics and never physically assault a woman.