Stay Safe and Healthy this Holiday Season

"The holiday season can be a wonderful – though stressful – time of year. It is very important remind everyone to take time to focus on the conditions that can increase engaging in unhealthy behaviors such as drinking, drugging and driving. It is also important to pay attention to the  mental and emotional health during the holidays. Traffic accidents and fatalities involving drivers under the influence of alcohol or drugs increase during the Christmas and New Year’s holidays.

There are steps you can take to help ensure that you and your loved ones enjoy a safe and happy holiday, including focusing on the prevention of alcohol abuse and drunk and drugged driving. Talk openly about this issue with young people in your life and set a good example. We’ve seen time and again that parents and adults have a big influence on children’s decisions not to drink. For evidence-based approaches on preventing underage drinking, visit the Too Smart To Start and Stop Underage Drinking Portal of Federal Resources Web sites.

If you are hosting or attending holiday parties this year, there are some key things you can do to prevent dangerous “binge alcohol use” and impaired driving.

• Avoid making alcohol the main focus of social events. Enjoy holiday parties through music, dancing, games, food, and lively conversation.
• Be sure to offer plenty of nonalcoholic choices such as sparkling water, fancy juice, soft drinks, and bottled drinking water.
• Stop serving drinks at least 1 hour before the end of the event. Instead, serve coffee, non-alcoholic beverages, and desserts at that time.
• Avoid salty foods, which are known to encourage people to drink more.  Serve high protein and carbohydrate foods, such as cheese and meats, which can help to slow the effects of alcohol.
• Recruit designated drivers ahead of time to make sure that everyone has a safe ride home. Be prepared to offer or use other transportation such as cabs or “safe ride” programs in your area; keep the phone numbers of local cab services on hand for yourself and guests.
• Finally, don’t be afraid to stop a friend or loved one from getting behind the wheel."

Adapted from SAMHSA

We wish everyone a very happy and healthy holiday season!

"Why battered women don't leave?"

While discussing the relationship between abusive men and their partners, one man in our group said: "I don't get it, I think  women like to be bitten, otherwise they would leave- this is a free country and they can go... so if they stay and they know their man hits them, then they deserve it."  He is not alone in this thinking, most people who do not understand the deeper issues of domestic violence and the power and control would think the same way. It is distorted thinking and it puts the blame on the victim "again" for "not leaving."  It gives the victim all responsibility for the problem and solution to the problem. The truth is that if women don't leave it is not because the don't want, it is because they CAN'T.  There are many factor that affect and influence the woman's decision to leave:

1.Can't Afford to Leave: Most women do not have enough economic resources to support themselves and if they have children, them too. Although domestic violence happens in every social strata, most women still earn less than men and cannot afford to financially support themselves.  There are many that do not have access to money at all - their abuser controls every cent she spends and he requests receipts for all items bought. It is a desperate situation.

2.It is not only unsafe - It is Dangerous : Most women have attempted to leave several times before they  actually do. They can tell you that the assault they get from their abusers if just too much to handle.  Many women die in the hands of their abusers while attempting to leave.

3.Batterers controlled her actions: Abusers have controlled every aspect of the victims' life.  The victim usually have no friends and have, if any, very limited contact with their family.  Victims are socially isolated and have been emotionally and psychologically manipulated by their abusers to the point that they believes their abusers will always find them and kill them.  Some women reported that they thought their abusers could actually read their minds.  Abusers tend to play mind games and inflict so much fear into their victims that it can be emotionally  paralyzing.

4. Afraid to lose her children - Batterers tend to use children as a way to control their partners.  Many men have threatened to take their kids and that she will never see them gain.  Victims are also afraid that social services will take her kids away if she is not able to support them.  Other cases men have threatened to kill them all if she leaves. She believes him. It has happened.


5. Has nowhere to go - Do to isolation, a victims has no place to go.  In some cases friends and family (due to lack of understanding) are "sick and tired" of her going back to the abuser, that they no longer are willing to help.  Victims shelters are very limited and will only take children under a certain age and sex.


And then there is the Cycle of Violence. The  abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make the victim believe that she is the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves her. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

It is really important to always be supportive of battered women, even if they go back to their abusers as her reasons may be valid to them.  Hopefully one day she'll be able to leave that situation for good and regain her life.

Losing Control ??? It is NOT the case with batterers

On our BIP (batterer's intervention program) group last night we discussed  that sometimes a  man can not control his anger, and then he just "snaps" and "loses control."  Some of the men said that stress is sometimes too much to handle and that it just causes them to "lose it." I asked the group to think of the following, very real, scenario: being at work. I asked them: "How many of you have "stressful" jobs? how many times your boss "pushes" your buttons? How many of you "snap" at your boss for saying or doing something you didn't like? How many of you hit, push, slap, kick and say mean and hurtful things to your boss?  None!  Because you know it is unacceptable and you will have serious consequences.  So when  men say that they "lose control" (at home) that is quite the opposite - they have all the control and they know when, how and at whom they can strike at.  None of the 15 men in the group could argue with that. Total silence for 10 seconds.  Domestic violence is a "controlled behavior"-a physical, mental, psychological act- on purpose. In group, men are learning how to treat their partners as equals and with respect.  We are exploring socialization factors that influence their gender roles and how they have learned to behave this way.

On Substance Abuse - Red Ribbon Week

This week, in the US, we celebrate Red Ribbon Week.It is the nation's oldest and largest drug prevention program and it is celebrated on the last week of October. Usually, people honor this week by wearing a red ribbon to express their desire for a drug free world and making pledges to live a drug-free lifestyle. 

A little history on Red Ribbon Week: It was created as a tribute to Kiki Camarena, a DEA agent who dedicated his life to erradicate drug trafficking.  While in a mission in Mexico, Kiki was kidnapped, tortured and murdered by drug traffickers.  His death helped us realize the dangers and the international scope of drug trade.  It also has helped communities and invididuals to take a stand for the hopes and dreams of our society.

Red Ribbon Week serves as an educational tool for prevention - which is the most cost-effective approach to avoid drug use.

Unfortunately 6% of the US population over the ages of 12 use drugs.  It is important to understand that no one is immune from the consequences of substance use/abuse. It happens in every socio-economic level, every religion, race, ethnic background, and in every neighborhood. Every family is vulnerable and the consequences are catastrophic. Substance abuse affect every member of the family.  As parents and educators and society in general we must make a commitment to reduce substance use in children and adults!

Keep in mind - Addiction is Preventable!

Here is a great  PSA from CASA on how parents  ( the MOST influential people in a child's life)  can decrease the likelihood that their kids will use drugs. TALK

Children See, Children Do

On Parenting - How to raise triumphant children

On a different by most important note!

A few centuries ago a famous Greek thinker said: “The only permanent thing is that we live in a world of change”. We must prepare our children for the world of the future, not the world of our parents' or our own. In today's world, their character will be the decisive factor for success, not just knowledge, like many of us could believe. To be calm in difficult situations, to get out from failures properly, to make failures a challenge, not a tragedy ... those are the qualities that recruiters will look for.

For the self-employed, it will be a self-imposed necessity.

A child will build his or her character when parental authority is clearly perceived. With the presence of authority, children and young people will act with authority to resolve their problems, they will act on determination. Without the presence of authority, our children will be weak in character and will act on impulse with subsequent problems to adapt.

Excess of authority? Excess is always better than lack of authority. The limit of authority is restricted by the following rule: “Authority should not humiliate”. Basically, the child or young person of today will be tomorrow's adult. From time to time, we must look at our children like potential adults. 

We don't want our children to suffer? Then, we must prepare them how to suffer. We cannot let them avoid any possible suffering at all times, if not, when will they learn? They must understand death, life problems, problems in dealing with their fellows. We should not solve all their problems. We must help them to gradually resolve the problems by themselves. No successful, long-term goals are ever achieved without some suffering. Can anyone imagine a champion athlete who does not suffer to break records? This applies to all types of champions and all forms of activity. We always think in part that we do not want them to suffer so that we will not suffer, but we can be damaging them for the future.

They must be taught to make additional efforts. Let them know that one can  always do a little more. Remember that no one harvests their crop without planting many seeds and fertilizing a lot of land. 

It is very important to teach them to lack things, that is not to have enough of something and to have to fend for themselves. There are kids who do not practice their sport if they are not wearing “brand” name shoes. If you do not learn to lack, you do not learn how to get by. Even if we can give them 100%, children must know the value of things. If they don't do this as children, it will be very difficult as adults, and then they will suffer, and we will suffer with them too. How do we teach them to go without? By giving them a little less than they need! There is no other way! How else can they feel the lack of something? This is how they learn to appreciate what they have. They learn not to be ungrateful. They learn to enjoy life because many times you can enjoy the simple things. They can learn how not to be complainers. An excellent school to learn to how to lack something (without dying in the attempt) is at our table at home, food. What should we feed them? What we decide is good for them! It is not just for the good of their stomachs, but this is an excellent way to learn to lack, to not be ungrateful, to not be complainers. “Mom ... I do not like lentils”.  If you want to give them something good in life, then give them lentils. There will be tantrums, but do not exalt authority (do not yell), they do not have to eat if they don't want to, but when they feel hungry again: Surprise! ... Heated up lentils from the fridge!

It seems incredible, but if we do not do this sort of thing, they will not be adapted. Food is a good school for understanding this concept, and in this way they will not be so picky in their social relationships, at work and in the real world.

We must also educate them in service. A normal family is a team with a few tasks: making beds, cleaning rooms, washing dishes, painting the house, etc. We must educate them to perform household tasks, although at first they do them badly. If they do not do this type of service, then they will have problems. The best leadership schools in the world teach young people to lack, so that they know and understand the world and they can lead it.

Allowance? It should be a fixed amount, weekly,  and  less than they think they need. In this way, they will learn how to manage money. Of course exceptions must be accepted, but talked about in a calm fashion.

We should build our children to be fighters, not overprotected weaklings. Let them surpass themselves. Let them take problems as challenges for improvement. Remember that no one can go up high with a single flight. They should also be excited about ideals, future goals, dreams to be good at heart. It is also important to be convinced that winning is not the same as “money or property”, winners are those who are happy with what they do with their lives. Only then will they make others happy.

Children with a mild nature, who know what it is to lack, who are trained to help others and are full of love and dreams will be children who triumph.

Parents have the great responsibility of raising children to transform our country into one where there is freedom, abundance, justice and, above all, happiness.

Luis Baba Nakao

Am I a batterer?

Since we started working with domestic violence abusers that have been court order, it is a common theme that they have a very difficult time identifying themselves as batterers.  These men typically think that batterers are those who inflict horrific "physical" abuse on their victims.  It is our role to teach these men that abuse is a continuum. It begins with with small acts of control and put downs and then escalates to more serious events. It is also important that these men understand that batterers are not always physically violent (although most cases are), but instead it can be emotional, psychological, economic, sexual.  If you have ever questioned yourself if you are a batterer, answer the following questions:

 Have you ever hit, pushed, grabbed, slapped or threatened your partner, or frightened or intimidated your partner in any way?

Has your partner said she’s afraid of you, or shown fear in other ways?          

Are your children afraid of you?

Do you frequently insult your partner, call her names, put her down or say things that make her feel uncomfortable?      

Do you often pressure her to do things your way, even if she doesn’t want to?

Does she complain that you are trying to control her life?    

When you treat her badly, do you consider it her fault? Do you blame it on alcohol, stress or family problems?        

Have you cheated on her? 

Have you ever been accused of mistreating your children?   

          

Has your partner complained about jealous or possessive behavior on your part?  

Are you the only one who can control or have access to the money?

Have you told her that you don't like her family and friends so she stopped seeing them?

If your answer is "YES" to any of these questions, you may benefit from a batterer intervention program. Once a person has abusive and controlling tendencies, he has a problem that is likely to get worse. Men often feel guilty and apologetic after an abusive incident, and many promise themselves and their partners that they will change. Unfortunately, even with the best intentions, most do not stop being abusive without outside assistance.