What to Say and What to Do If You Suspect Domestic Violence

Sometimes reaching out to someone you suspect of being a victim of domestic violence is as simple as leaving a phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-SAFE (799-7233). If the threat appears imminent, call 911. If your suspicions are less clear, here are some things you can say to the victim:

• “I’m worried about you. Is everything OK?”

• “I care about you. Here’s a phone number (1-800-799-SAFE) or a Web site ... “The site at www.ndvh.org provides state-by-state resources.

• “I’m concerned for your safety. This isn’t OK, and it’s not your fault. When you’re ready to leave, here’s a phone number of people who can help you.”

• Don’t have an agenda that includes having the person leave the abuser, and don’t say things such as, “I don’t see how you can stay with that guy.” Understand that leaving is a process. Whatever words you use, communicate that you care, that abuse – whether verbal, emotional or physical – is wrong, that the victim is not to blame and that there are resources that can help.

• Ask the victim what he or she needs. Ask what would be of help. Break the Silence About Violence; Friends, Co-Workers Can Help Domestic-Abuse Victims

• Helping doesn’t mean you have to fix the situation. Professional resources are available to help. It’s enough to let the victim know she’s not alone and that there are resources for various needs: shelter, legal advice, financial assistance, employment and educational services, and counseling for her and her children.

Domestic Violence: Did You know

Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

85% of domestic violence victims are women.

Violence Begins at Home; Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

• Witnessing violence between one’s parents or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.
• Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults.
• 30% to 60% of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse children in the household.

Costs of Domestic Violence

• The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services.
• Victims of intimate partner violence lost almost 8 million days of paid work because of the violence perpetrated against them by current or former husbands, boyfriends and dates. This loss is the equivalent of more than 32,000 full-time jobs and almost 5.6 million days of household productivity as a result of violence.
• There are 16,800 homicides and $2.2 million (medically treated) injuries due to intimate partner violence annually, which costs $37 billion.

Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault and Stalking

• One in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape.
• Nearly 7.8 million women have been raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lives.
• Sexual assault or forced sex occurs in approximately 40-45% of battering relationships.
• 1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men have been stalked in their lifetime.
• 81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner; 31% are also sexually assaulted by that partner.

*All statistics from National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, www.ncadv.org

Characteristics of Abusive Men

Control         Control is the "overarching behavioral characteristic" of abusive men, achieved with criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty, etc. (see Power & Control Wheel). The need to control may deepen over time or escalate if a woman seeks independence (e.g. going to school).

Entitlement       Entitlement is the "overarching attitudinal characteristic" of abusive men, a belief in having special rights without responsibilities, justifying unreasonable expectations (e.g., family life must centre on his needs). He will feel the wronged party when his needs are not met and may justify violence as self-defence.

Selfishness & Self-centredness      An expectation of being the centre of attention, having his needs anticipated. May not support or listen to others.

Superiority      Contempt for woman as stupid, unworthy, a sex object or as a house keeper.

Possessiveness      Seeing a woman and his children as property.

Confusing Love & Abuse    Explaining violence as an expression of his deep love.

Manipulativeness    A tactic of confusion, distortion and lies. May project image of himself as good, and portray the woman as crazy or abusive.

Contradictory Statements & Behaviors    Saying one thing and doing another, such as being publicly critical of men who abuse women.

Externalization of Responsibility     Shifting blame for his actions and their effects to others, especially the woman, or to external factors such as job stress.

Denial, Minimization, & Victim Blaming    Refusing to acknowledge abusive behavior (e.g. she fell), not acknowledging the seriousness of his behavior and its effects (e.g., it's just a scratch), blaming the victim (e.g., she drove me to it; she made it up because I have a new girlfriend).

  

Serial Battering      Some men are abusive in relationship after relationship.

Men can exhibit some or all of these characteristics and never physically assault a woman.

Stay Safe and Healthy this Holiday Season

"The holiday season can be a wonderful – though stressful – time of year. It is very important remind everyone to take time to focus on the conditions that can increase engaging in unhealthy behaviors such as drinking, drugging and driving. It is also important to pay attention to the  mental and emotional health during the holidays. Traffic accidents and fatalities involving drivers under the influence of alcohol or drugs increase during the Christmas and New Year’s holidays.

There are steps you can take to help ensure that you and your loved ones enjoy a safe and happy holiday, including focusing on the prevention of alcohol abuse and drunk and drugged driving. Talk openly about this issue with young people in your life and set a good example. We’ve seen time and again that parents and adults have a big influence on children’s decisions not to drink. For evidence-based approaches on preventing underage drinking, visit the Too Smart To Start and Stop Underage Drinking Portal of Federal Resources Web sites.

If you are hosting or attending holiday parties this year, there are some key things you can do to prevent dangerous “binge alcohol use” and impaired driving.

• Avoid making alcohol the main focus of social events. Enjoy holiday parties through music, dancing, games, food, and lively conversation.
• Be sure to offer plenty of nonalcoholic choices such as sparkling water, fancy juice, soft drinks, and bottled drinking water.
• Stop serving drinks at least 1 hour before the end of the event. Instead, serve coffee, non-alcoholic beverages, and desserts at that time.
• Avoid salty foods, which are known to encourage people to drink more.  Serve high protein and carbohydrate foods, such as cheese and meats, which can help to slow the effects of alcohol.
• Recruit designated drivers ahead of time to make sure that everyone has a safe ride home. Be prepared to offer or use other transportation such as cabs or “safe ride” programs in your area; keep the phone numbers of local cab services on hand for yourself and guests.
• Finally, don’t be afraid to stop a friend or loved one from getting behind the wheel."

Adapted from SAMHSA

We wish everyone a very happy and healthy holiday season!

"Why battered women don't leave?"

While discussing the relationship between abusive men and their partners, one man in our group said: "I don't get it, I think  women like to be bitten, otherwise they would leave- this is a free country and they can go... so if they stay and they know their man hits them, then they deserve it."  He is not alone in this thinking, most people who do not understand the deeper issues of domestic violence and the power and control would think the same way. It is distorted thinking and it puts the blame on the victim "again" for "not leaving."  It gives the victim all responsibility for the problem and solution to the problem. The truth is that if women don't leave it is not because the don't want, it is because they CAN'T.  There are many factor that affect and influence the woman's decision to leave:

1.Can't Afford to Leave: Most women do not have enough economic resources to support themselves and if they have children, them too. Although domestic violence happens in every social strata, most women still earn less than men and cannot afford to financially support themselves.  There are many that do not have access to money at all - their abuser controls every cent she spends and he requests receipts for all items bought. It is a desperate situation.

2.It is not only unsafe - It is Dangerous : Most women have attempted to leave several times before they  actually do. They can tell you that the assault they get from their abusers if just too much to handle.  Many women die in the hands of their abusers while attempting to leave.

3.Batterers controlled her actions: Abusers have controlled every aspect of the victims' life.  The victim usually have no friends and have, if any, very limited contact with their family.  Victims are socially isolated and have been emotionally and psychologically manipulated by their abusers to the point that they believes their abusers will always find them and kill them.  Some women reported that they thought their abusers could actually read their minds.  Abusers tend to play mind games and inflict so much fear into their victims that it can be emotionally  paralyzing.

4. Afraid to lose her children - Batterers tend to use children as a way to control their partners.  Many men have threatened to take their kids and that she will never see them gain.  Victims are also afraid that social services will take her kids away if she is not able to support them.  Other cases men have threatened to kill them all if she leaves. She believes him. It has happened.


5. Has nowhere to go - Do to isolation, a victims has no place to go.  In some cases friends and family (due to lack of understanding) are "sick and tired" of her going back to the abuser, that they no longer are willing to help.  Victims shelters are very limited and will only take children under a certain age and sex.


And then there is the Cycle of Violence. The  abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make the victim believe that she is the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves her. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

It is really important to always be supportive of battered women, even if they go back to their abusers as her reasons may be valid to them.  Hopefully one day she'll be able to leave that situation for good and regain her life.

Losing Control ??? It is NOT the case with batterers

On our BIP (batterer's intervention program) group last night we discussed  that sometimes a  man can not control his anger, and then he just "snaps" and "loses control."  Some of the men said that stress is sometimes too much to handle and that it just causes them to "lose it." I asked the group to think of the following, very real, scenario: being at work. I asked them: "How many of you have "stressful" jobs? how many times your boss "pushes" your buttons? How many of you "snap" at your boss for saying or doing something you didn't like? How many of you hit, push, slap, kick and say mean and hurtful things to your boss?  None!  Because you know it is unacceptable and you will have serious consequences.  So when  men say that they "lose control" (at home) that is quite the opposite - they have all the control and they know when, how and at whom they can strike at.  None of the 15 men in the group could argue with that. Total silence for 10 seconds.  Domestic violence is a "controlled behavior"-a physical, mental, psychological act- on purpose. In group, men are learning how to treat their partners as equals and with respect.  We are exploring socialization factors that influence their gender roles and how they have learned to behave this way.

On Substance Abuse - Red Ribbon Week

This week, in the US, we celebrate Red Ribbon Week.It is the nation's oldest and largest drug prevention program and it is celebrated on the last week of October. Usually, people honor this week by wearing a red ribbon to express their desire for a drug free world and making pledges to live a drug-free lifestyle. 

A little history on Red Ribbon Week: It was created as a tribute to Kiki Camarena, a DEA agent who dedicated his life to erradicate drug trafficking.  While in a mission in Mexico, Kiki was kidnapped, tortured and murdered by drug traffickers.  His death helped us realize the dangers and the international scope of drug trade.  It also has helped communities and invididuals to take a stand for the hopes and dreams of our society.

Red Ribbon Week serves as an educational tool for prevention - which is the most cost-effective approach to avoid drug use.

Unfortunately 6% of the US population over the ages of 12 use drugs.  It is important to understand that no one is immune from the consequences of substance use/abuse. It happens in every socio-economic level, every religion, race, ethnic background, and in every neighborhood. Every family is vulnerable and the consequences are catastrophic. Substance abuse affect every member of the family.  As parents and educators and society in general we must make a commitment to reduce substance use in children and adults!

Keep in mind - Addiction is Preventable!

Here is a great  PSA from CASA on how parents  ( the MOST influential people in a child's life)  can decrease the likelihood that their kids will use drugs. TALK