Am I a batterer?

Since we started working with domestic violence abusers that have been court order, it is a common theme that they have a very difficult time identifying themselves as batterers.  These men typically think that batterers are those who inflict horrific "physical" abuse on their victims.  It is our role to teach these men that abuse is a continuum. It begins with with small acts of control and put downs and then escalates to more serious events. It is also important that these men understand that batterers are not always physically violent (although most cases are), but instead it can be emotional, psychological, economic, sexual.  If you have ever questioned yourself if you are a batterer, answer the following questions:

 Have you ever hit, pushed, grabbed, slapped or threatened your partner, or frightened or intimidated your partner in any way?

Has your partner said she’s afraid of you, or shown fear in other ways?          

Are your children afraid of you?

Do you frequently insult your partner, call her names, put her down or say things that make her feel uncomfortable?      

Do you often pressure her to do things your way, even if she doesn’t want to?

Does she complain that you are trying to control her life?    

When you treat her badly, do you consider it her fault? Do you blame it on alcohol, stress or family problems?        

Have you cheated on her? 

Have you ever been accused of mistreating your children?   

          

Has your partner complained about jealous or possessive behavior on your part?  

Are you the only one who can control or have access to the money?

Have you told her that you don't like her family and friends so she stopped seeing them?

If your answer is "YES" to any of these questions, you may benefit from a batterer intervention program. Once a person has abusive and controlling tendencies, he has a problem that is likely to get worse. Men often feel guilty and apologetic after an abusive incident, and many promise themselves and their partners that they will change. Unfortunately, even with the best intentions, most do not stop being abusive without outside assistance.